Newsletter Archive

Use of Icebreakers in Small Groups

WHY NOT SKIP THE ICEBREAKER?

If you fear that using an icebreaker question would be a waste of time for your small group, please consider that the most experienced small group trainers are strong proponents of using icebreakers. I have found that skipping the icebreaker question and jumping right into the study questions leads to wasted time later because people will hesitate to engage in discussion. Icebreakers help each member feel they are known and accepted as part of the group. You will always have “talkers,” who can make it seem that discussion is going well, but how often are less talkative members engaging in discussion?

WHAT MAKES A GOOD ICEBREAKER?

For a question to encourage free conversation among all individuals in the group, it needs to be easy to answer. It should require a full sentence answer. A question that has a specific, “correct” answer or a question that can be answered with a “yes” or a “no” is not an icebreaker question. Great icebreaker questions will encourage participants to share something about themselves and create involvement with other participants, such as when people discover they have something in common with one another.

HOW LONG SHOULD AN ICEBREAKER TAKE?

For an established group, a good goal is about one minute per person. First meetings may require twenty-five minutes to break the ice. Experienced small group trainers typically say that if your group is newly formed or has taken on new members, more time should be taken for the icebreaker. After all, the “get-acquainted” phase is the early growth in the life of a small group. As each person feels known and cared for, there will be a payoff for taking time for the icebreaker. When everyone is more likely to engage in discussion, share prayer requests, and risk being vulnerable, you will find that the investment was worth it. A helpful tip is to suggest how long an answer should be. Tell the group that the activity has a time limit. Ask individuals to answer the question in one or two sentences or 30 seconds or less. Answer the question yourself and give an example of how brief or detailed answers should be. Start with the less talkative person and move around the circle to hear from the rest of the group.

WHAT IF THE ICEBREAKER DOESN’T SEEM TO HELP?

We use icebreakers to train our people that it’s okay to talk, and we want to hear from everyone. Here are some tips to help you get the most out of a get-acquainted activity or question.

Your group may be too large to do an icebreaker together. Divide your group of 12 into 2 groups of 6 or even 6 groups of 2. Eventually, people will start talking. (Even two introverts) You may need to divide into smaller groups for your study questions as well, until everyone is participating.
Does seating permit each person to make eye contact with everyone else in the group? Sit in a circle. Avoid three on a couch.
The facilitator or another group leader can usually answer the discussion questions first to provide an example and “prime the pump.”
Feel free to refine the question and adjust the wording on the spot to make sure everyone understands the question and what is being asked of them.
Have fun. Don’t be too serious getting started. Lighten the atmosphere with warm greetings, kind words, and good humor.
Be courteous and show each member respect. Avoid embarrassing others. Don’t roast each other. (Teasing may seem to lighten the atmosphere, but could be having the opposite effect.)
Bring a drink and after you ask a question, take a long sip. This will communicate that it is someone else’s turn to talk, and you are content to wait for them to speak.
Consider rephrasing the question and trying again, or waiting longer for a response. People sometimes need time to think of how they want to respond. They may be just about to answer when you grow impatient and move on.
Direct the question to specific individuals and work your way through the whole group.
Ask people to write their answer on a piece of paper and turn it in to be read. Read the responses and acknowledge individuals for their contribution.
Always try to affirm their answer or thank them for contributing. Never make fun of someone’s answer. Avoid making someone feel they answered incorrectly. If they misunderstood, take responsibility for making it clearer. Keep trying. Good discussion is where we do many of the “one another” commands of scripture.

LEVEL UP

If no one in your group is new and all group members typically enter into discussion, consider using a LEVEL TWO question. For example, if your study and discussion will be about forgiveness, a LEVEL TWO icebreaker might be… “Tell about a time you had to ask for forgiveness.” Or “What kinds of offenses do you find most difficult to forgive?” Be cautious not to encourage gossip or slander. LEVEL TWO icebreakers can help a group discussion go deep quickly. WARNING: LEVEL TWO icebreaker questions are for groups where everyone already feels known and loved.

Report on Philippines 2025

BLOG

One of my favorite quotes from C. S. Lewis’ book, The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe is when Mr Beaver announces that “Aslan is on the move.” Aslan is the name of the Lion and represented a type of Jesus. When Mr Beaver declares that the Lion has begun to take decisive action, the story pivots with hope and anticipation of what that action might entail. This quote came to mind several times as we began to anticipate what the Lord was doing with our humble attempt to offer friendship and encouragement to fellow pastors in the Philippines.

Just a few weeks ago Jennifer and I returned from our short-term mission trip. Our ministry companions were Allyn and Emmy VanDyk. We were privileged to return with Emmy to her homeland, meet her family, and serve sister churches in Filinvest and Sto Tomas (Bethesda Bible Baptist Church) where Allyn has been asked to speak on numerous occassions. For Jennifer and me it was our first visit, but it didn’t take long to see that the Lord was up to something that we are excited to be a part of.

This is a video of our report to our church, Northeastern Baptist Church, (nbckz.com) upon our return. Please pray with us as we anticipate a return trip in February of 2026 to meet with pastors and their wives in the Philippines to provide the training in biblical counseling we offered when we were with them this February.

What’s That in Your Hand?

BLOG

When Moses was reluctant to be an instrument in God’s hand, God asked him what he had in his hand. I want to ask you a similar question regarding your church’s music ministry: Who do you have?

For seven years, I traveled all over Ohio and parts of four other states, performing sacred concerts as a solo musician. When I arrived at a church, I would set up my sound system and do my program. However, when I accepted a position as a worship pastor many years ago at NBC, I understood that my role would no longer be a solo act. My new role was to help the musicians in my church find opportunities to participate in corporate worship.

One of the first musicians I welcomed was Clyde, an older member of our church who played the French horn. I often wondered what people thought of the combination of piano, organ, and horn. At times, I noticed Clyde would latch onto a particular note and play it with great force. Thankfully, our congregational singing was strong, and the choir served as the worship team, so I suppose Clyde’s playing fit in well enough with all those sounds. However, that’s only part of the story.

Inviting Clyde to play with us, despite the less-than-ideal mix, had an unexpected benefit. His presence signaled to others that the new worship leader was open to contributions from various musicians. At times, I feel our approach to forming the worship team resembles the story of “Stone Soup.”

We started humbly, but over time, more people came forward willing to join us with their instruments. Each time I ordered more music stands, we gained more members. It felt almost like a “Field of Dreams” story—every time I placed an order for more music stands, more musicians joined us. We now have an abundance of music stands.

Before long, we gained two trumpet players, a trombone player, a tuba player, a clarinet player, and a violinist. Shortly after that, the Lord blessed us with a flute and a saxophone. Over the years, we have also added bass, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, strings, keyboards, and various percussion instruments. The best part is that some of these musicians have become my dearest friends, and they continue to help me lead worship to this day.

When I first arrived at the church, one trombone player was still in high school. He was unpretentious and direct. At the time, I wasn’t sure how to interpret his straightforward nature, and I honestly doubted whether he would continue attending church after graduating. However, I misjudged him. He has served in various roles within our church since then and is now a public school teacher. For the past twenty-two years, he has graciously tolerated my quirks almost every Sunday and often comes to my aid with timely reminders or clarifications when I forget something.

These musicians feel like family to me. When I lead music at another church, retreat, or conference, I miss having them by my side. During those occasions, I wish they could travel with me. We are a team, and I truly believe we are better together.

I shudder to think of what we would have missed if I had come in with a preconceived idea of what I wanted to do or if I had been a slave to what others wanted. It has been my commitment to give well-intentioned church musicians the opportunity to join the team. It’s my job to set them up for success.

To effectively grow a music ministry, it’s important to engage the Christian musicians in your church according to their abilities. Assign simpler parts to those who are less experienced, and give more significant roles to those who are particularly talented, ensuring that everyone is treated with dignity and recognized as a valuable member of the team. This approach is grounded in the belief that the work ultimately belongs to the Lord, who supernaturally provides the church with everything it needs.

**BONUS: Three Related Ideas for Developing a Team of Musicians.**

1. **Honoring Faithfulness:**

Scripture teaches that if you are faithful in little things, you will be entrusted with greater responsibilities. Those who demonstrate faithfulness deserve to be honored. When a musician recognizes the importance of their service, arrives on time, and consistently commits to their role, I truly respect their investment of time. I have learned to pay special attention to their input.

2. **Listening to Input from Team Members:**

It’s important for your church to consider suggestions from your team. If you believe that each person is a gift from God to your local community of believers, you have a responsibility to Christ to include everyone’s contributions. The suggestions from my fellow musicians have been essential to our success.

3. **Don’t Use People to Grow Your Program:**

Use your program to build people. A leader’s role is not to impose their own agenda or a rigid definition of success. Instead, it is to harness their skills to empower other musicians, setting them up to shine and achieve their fullest potential.

I think what I want to write about next will be a few things I’ve learned about facilitating a small group.

Fix Your Worship Problem

BLOG

“Fix Your Worship Problem”

If only I had…

If only I could…

If only they would…

…I would be happy.

The way you end those sentences could be telling you something about what you treasure most.

James was a very early church writer and apostle. Even then, he warned believers that the reason they were fussing with each other was rooted in their desires. (James 4)

Are you fussing about something? What is it you really want? Often, our strong desires are intent on having something God does not intend for us.

Here’s what happens. We want what we want, so we think about what we want a lot. Because that desire occupies our mind a great deal, we tend to act based on what we have been thinking about.

Those are the times you find you are too willing to sin. When you want something badly enough that you sin when you can’t have it or you sin in order to get it, that’s an indication of your worship problem.

If you regret how you have been acting, trace those behaviors back to what you have been thinking about. Ask yourself the questions I started with. See any corollaries?

Don’t despair. There’s hope for lasting change.

You can learn to change your desires. Yes, you can change your “wanter.” It may be more appropriate to say that you can learn to depend on the Holy Spirit to help you experience a change of affections. You can develop a taste for what is good.

Think about those opening questions one more time.

If only I had…

If only I could…

If only they would…

…I would be happy.

Might it be that the themes that occupy your thinking are indicators of what you really treasure? What if those wants are the true idols of your heart? If so, those desires are an indication of a worship problem.

Let’s not kid ourselves. We all have a worship problem. If you are wondering how to identify your worship problem, start by answering those “if only” questions and talk to the Lord about your heart desires. You could also reach out to a biblical counselor for some encouragement and tips for developing the right desires.

Would you like to read a good book on the topic? Get Brad Bigney’s book: Gospel Treason; Betraying the Gospel with Hidden Idols.

What Was I Thinking?

BLOG

Do you sometimes do something that contradicts your core values and undermines the very things in which you have invested much of your time, money, and energy? In moments like that you might ask yourself, “What was I thinking?”

You love your family. You want them to enjoy a peaceful home. You hope to provide an example for them to follow, and you would like them to look up to you. But, in a moment of offense, you slam a door, speak harshly, or even throw things. These irrational behaviors are telling you something helpful if you want to listen.

Do you remember the last few incidents in which you acted out irrationally? Can you identify a pattern? Are the people you say you love walking on eggshells around you because you are known for becoming defensive, stomping off, sulking, or becoming sarcastic? Maybe you erupt into a monologue that your wife or children are helpless to escape. You give a speech to your captive audience to convince them that you are a great guy, and would be even better if it wasn’t for them and what they are doing to trigger you. You attempt to explain your behavior by accusing them of pushing you too far.

If you could be convinced that the problem is in you and can be fixed, would you listen to someone tell you how to change?

There is hope. I know because I am in the change process too. I found something that helps me stop reaching for those old worn-out responses that ultimately hurt the ones I love.

I can’t give six weeks of counseling in one post, but I can tell you that you lie to yourself more than anyone has ever lied to you. The messages you repeat to your mind are the mantra that has you making a fool of yourself. Until you identify the lies you are telling yourself, you are prone to return to one form or another of those destructive, irrational behaviors, and failing to identify those lies will cost you. It may cost you quite a lot.

A man who believes he deserves respect and cannot live without it may find himself demanding, angry, and lonely, venting on social media after losing his friends, being pushed out of his job, and being ignored by his family.

If you are ready to identify the lies you have been telling yourself, here’s a starting point.

Pray this from Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.”

Read your Bible. As you discover the truth in the Scripture, ask God to help you identify the lies you have been believing.

You may feel like you don’t have anyone you can talk to, but you could reach out to me, or another biblical counselor, who is trained to help you identify those lies and replace them with truth.

Wouldn’t it be liberating for those disappointing moments to decrease in frequency and severity?

Stick around for another post, and I’ll try to write something short about another sneaky problem—our worship problem.

Shepherd’s Friend

BLOG

I found a way to help other pastors. I can encourage them by listening to them, advising them, and providing counsel right where they need it.

About ten years ago, my wife, Jennifer, offered to attend a training seminar with me on the topic of biblical counseling. I have been a believer in biblical counseling, but I had a lot to learn. This was our chance to do it together. We took the plunge.

After many seminars, dozens of books, and many years of applying the principles we learned to our own lives, we find ourselves counseling others regularly in the context of our local church.

A few years ago, a pastor-friend of mine who is also a biblical counselor mentioned to me that he had decided to reserve his counseling time for pastors and their families. That struck me as profound. When I needed counsel, I could simply approach one of my brothers or my parents. But, it occurred to me, that many pastors do not have three brothers and a dad in ministry alongside them. Maybe the Lord would like for me to offer counseling to other pastors or members of their household when they need it.

I have observed that solo-pastor of a smaller church has to work alone a great deal. They may not feel they can open up to the pastor of the Bible-preaching church across town. They surely don’t have time to drive three or four hours every Monday to utilize a ministry that provides counseling.

I began to wonder if that was something I could investigate.

This year, my big brother, Ken, suddenly was taken to Glory. It surprised us horribly. You can imagine how much it meant to me that my brother would say that I was one of his biggest encouragers.

This was another moment of clarity. I want to do what I can to encourage other pastors, and this is one way I can do that.

But there is more. I have had the privilege of sitting in on staff meetings for over twenty years at a church with multiple staff members. Over those years, we have “talked a lot of shop.” I have discovered that I have a gift for administration and I have had many, many discussions about the workings of a vibrant, local church.

This is another way I already have helped other pastors. Whether it is formal or informal, I have found that other pastors sometimes like my ideas or benefit from the experiences I have collected over thirty-two years of ministry.

I have also been blessed to enjoy a long tenure in my current position. I know what it’s like to pass the ten-year mark and the benefits that can bring. I know that there is another one around twenty years that’s worth the wait.

This has led me to the goals of Shepherd’s Friend, a title I have given to a ministry concept. Here they are.

To provide accessible and affordable coaching to pastors in all areas of pastoral ministry.
To provide convenient biblical counseling free of charge to pastors and their households.
To encourage more godly men to remain in ministry longer and work smarter.

In a few days, I’ll share more of the story. Catch ya later.

Newsletter Archive

More Content

Join Our Weekly Newsletter